


laid bare

by halfwayinit



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M, but hopeful in the end, lots of sadness and feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:49:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22772047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwayinit/pseuds/halfwayinit
Summary: in which ben’s counsellor advises him to write to deal with his grief. and he figures, what has he got to lose?
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Paul Coker/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	laid bare

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at about 2:30am last night in the notes on my phone, and i completely forgot about it until right now.  
> anyways, i feel like i might aswell post it.  
> forgive me for my mistakes, i’m sure it’s not the best thing i’ve ever written lol

When his counsellor suggests he start writing, he’s almost sure he’s misheard her. “Think about it Ben” she presses on gently, “Writing down your feelings can help you to heal, to forgive yourself and begin to rebuild.” 

Her words stick with him the entire journey home, and he had promised Callum he would take this seriously, so he tries. He sits at the kitchen table that evening when the house is quiet and empty, brand new notepad opened on its first page, pen at the ready. 

Blank. His mind is completely blank. Makes a change, he supposes. Usually he can’t get his brain to shut up, but the one time he wants it to work it fails him. Sums it all up really. 

His counsellor, Maria, she never told him what exactly to write. And when he asked, she wasn’t much help. “It can be anything” she’d said, smiling at him in a way that Ben knew said ‘please just try’, “just write what you feel.” Well Ben feels a lot of things, and not many of them are pretty. 

He decides on a letter. He’s sure he’s read somewhere before that writing a letter to someone knowing they’ll never read it can be quite therapeutic. 

He starts with ‘ _Dear Paul.._ ’. The letters are light and loopy but still manage to burn into Ben’s eyes. What could he possibly say? How could he ever convey in words how much he misses Paul? How much guilt he carries over his death and how he felt for a long time that he didn’t ever deserve to move on with his life after Paul had lost his. Until Callum. Callum who guided him back towards the light and showed him just how loved and capable of loving he really is. 

No, a letter is far too painful for now. He rips out the page and crumples it into a ball, throwing it across the table. Tears are pricking his eyes and he’s starting to curse Maria for ever suggesting this ridiculous exercise at all.

He leaves it for a while, sips on a warm cup of tea and tries to stop his mind wandering back. 

Paul. His dad. Cheating. Lying. Coming out. Never feeling good enough. Death. Destruction. A heart never to be whole again. 

Then, Callum. Light. Love. Forgiveness. Happiness. A sliver of hope at healing, of feeling worthy of love. 

He picks up the pen and writes.

Guilt and grief and love pouring from his heart to the page.

When he finishes, he reads it over again, tears tracking down his cheeks, vulnerable, heart exposed and open. 

‘ _this_ _heart of mine _

_ it has felt the cold hand of grief  _

_ squeeze and squeeze and squeeze  _

_ and almost shatter  _

_ pieces dead and buried with the ones we couldn’t keep _

_ its saving grace  _

_ the warm embrace  _

_ of first time love  _

_ burning burning burning _

_ until that icy hand returns again, and the warmth no longer there _

_ all this heart of mine has endured  _

_ yet here it is  _

_ beating _

_ beating  _

_ beating  _

_ no longer whole _

_ but still,  _

_ it beats’ _

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this was okay!  
> find me on tumblr @halfwayinit


End file.
